So, I realize that I still haven’t come to terms with my past. I have forgiven myself for wasting my own time, I’m ok with that. But I’m not ok to have been wasting Gods time! Let me explain.

In 2001 I met a guy and we were a couple for about 5-6 years. He was not a christian and it affected my life, my choices and my faith. When it finally ended, I was nowhere near having a personal relationship with Christ. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am now. And I can tell you it has not been an easy road. My faith has been there, but not the fruit of it. I have always believed there is a God, that Jesus died for my sins and that I have eternal life, but I have not lived it, I have not felt it, I have not been able to fully live my life for God.

About two years ago I think it finally cleared up, I felt the blue sky, I could feel God, I could see God. I think it coincided with me joining my old choir again. This is where I could laugh again for real, feel happiness and joy, the kind that comes from God. I think it’s kind of symbolic, that I spent 6 years on a man that was totally wrong for me and then I had to have 6 hard years to make up for my mistake. I have needed this time to work through all things that came from this relationship, I have needed this time to process some stuff. But now, when I feel God working in me, now that I realize that I might have a calling…now, I am not ok to have been wasting time that I could have been serving!

Now I think “what if…” What if I had taken a wiser decision then, what if I had followed God’s will then? What if…I feel sad, to know what I could have done, where I could have been. I need to forgive myself yet again! Not for wasting my time, but for wasting Gods time. I know that His plan is greater, that He can take whatever mistake I make and use it for good. But I still feel sad and betrayed by myself.

This is where I realize that the question from the Ask It-series is so important! In light of my past experiences, my present situation, my future hopes and dreams…

What is the wise thing for me to do?!

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