So, I don’t know if I will continue to write on this blog. I’m writing this post mostly for myself (a work in progress during the last 2 weeks) but also for anyone else who needs to know you are not alone, we are many with the same problem!
Last post I wrote was while in the US for work last year. A lot has happened since then. I came back in December and I moved into a new position at work. I have been working a lot, too much actually, which leads me to the title of today’s post. I am almost worn out. I’m lucky as I did not hit that wall but I think I came kinda close to it. Probably stared it in the face for a while before actually listening to my mind and body. For a long time this year, I was very tired. I didn’t have the energy to meet up with friends and even play console games was too much of an effort.
It was not only work that came swinging. They started renovating the outside of my apartment building in July and in mid-September, they drilled into a water pipe and caused a water leak in my kitchen. But that was probably just the last nail in the coffin. Sadly, this means they are drilling in the concrete all day long and I can promise you, it is not a restful environment to be home. Luckily, my parents live outside a small town, forest all around the house, and during my full-time sick leave in October, I could stay with them for a while. Oh, the heavenly silence!! Nature is a very healing thing. Thank God for that! For real, thank You God!
When I came home that Monday, mid-September, and realized the whole kitchen floor was flooded with water…I just felt very heavy inside. Empty and heavy. Empty as I had no energy to feel anything. So, I spoke to HR at work and within a week I had an appointment to see a psychologist. She told me to call in sick for the 7 days I don’t need a signed document from a physician and booked a time for me to meet with one. I met with a doctor and he gave me a signed document for 2 more weeks of full-time sick leave.
Also my spiritual life has suffered. Since coming back from the UK last year I was struggling with my faith. For reasons too personal to share in a blog (now resolved though), I felt so far from God and I blamed myself for it. Despite Him being so clear in my life up until Hillsong Conference 2016, I could not feel or see Him in my life anymore. This only got worse as time went by and as work got to me more. I did seek christian council and have had spiritual guidance once a month. But to no avail. Everything was silent and dead. Little did I know then that it was due to me not having the energy to even have faith, to reflect or to confront my own feelings.
Let me just be clear now before continuing this story, today I am well with God and I am very happy again. I have been at the office 25% for 4 weeks gone up to 50% for another 4 and I’m moving to 75% next week. But I had to learn that it’s rehabilitation I’m doing, not work.
Earlier, in the spring, I started to join things in church but I could tell I was not myself. I did not have any inner joy and I think my face/expression was very different from now. I only smiled with my face, not my heart. The last time I was really happy was probably during Hillsong conference 2016. After that, it all went downhill. In February it was so bad, I felt so alone and lonely I could not take it anymore ( no, not suicide!) I got a cat! And boy did he save my life! Mentally I could now cope as I was not alone at home.
The first time I did recognize myself was while visiting a friend in another town while on full-time sick leave. I felt alive again. I felt hope again. Gradually I have been coming back to my old self, gradually I have started to feel that inner joy I know only God can give. The tough season I went through, where I so longed for God to make Himself visible and clear has come to an end and I surprise myself every day now when I actually want to read the word and know even more about God.
Last week I got baptized. I was so emotional both before and after. I was baptized as a child but not through my own decision, it was my parents’. And the theology is that you need to be fully lowered and your whole body needs to be under water. I have done that now. And no, nothing much changed, but I know now, I live not by the old laws but in Jesus’ blood and freedom.
Today I was reading back through my blog and though it’s a bit more personal that I am comfortable with today, I am happy to have these posts from before as I can look back and see what God already has done in my life. As someone wrote in a devotional or a book, remember past wins! That will help you in times of trouble.
I’m still very tired, I mostly have good days, but if I do too much, the bad days come and I’m flat on my back in bed all day. Today is one of those days. I stretched myself a bit too far again. And it’s a struggle every day now, my will against my health. What I want and what I need are often two very different things. But I will eventually get back, but I need to be thinking I’m in rehabilitation state for another 6 months…May God give me strength!